I've been reading about Christianity for school and it keeps bringing up deep feelings for me about how I lost my faith.
In high school I began regularly attending a local church. I didn't sync with all their views but overall it was a warm and loving environment that I was able to thrive in. Attending and participating in religion met a major need in my life for family and community. I doubt I would be as stable of a person now without it.
I diverged from my fellow Christians in the areas most liberals split from believers, human sexuality. There were other less pressing cleaves in my views from the churches but none that nagged as much as sexuality and the churches condemning views on it. As I got older I slowly drifted away from church and stopped attending entirely after my last ditch attempt joining a church while my husband at the time was deployed.
Years later the last bit of faith in a higher power vanished while working with a young girl that had been sexually abused by her mother's boyfriend. The young girl had serious behavior issues that impaired her ability to function in daily life, she couldn't make it through a meal without an incident. This girl liked me as much as she could like anyone and I was rather fond of her. I wanted the best for her and wished I could magically heal her. Over time she told me little bits of her life before treatment and I would tear up while she spoke. Her behavior escalated and she was too much of a danger to herself at her current placement. Some days I would go home and cry because I was so scared during my shift that she would seriously harm herself while she was seeking attention and love from staff.
That's when I shifted and firmly believed a higher power could not exist. There is no purpose to child abuse, no good or needed growth comes from sexual assault of children. Seeing a possible result of child sexual abuse and facing it day in and day out I lost any hope for a loving caring God that could intervene.
Tonight while I read about the healing prayer method of counseling I can only feel anger towards the God I don't believe in. I haven't thought about that girl in awhile and I hope she is alive and has love in her life. God doesn't save or heal or plan.
