The beauty of love

I am so deeply in love at times that I feel like my body is swimming effortlessly in a clear blue lake and without warning I can be plucked from the water and thrown into quicksand feeling helpless and angry.

Sometimes I smile because I am reminded of one of the many things I love about another person or place. I smile as if there is a camera crew filming and the director will add a simple yet touching monologue over the shot. 

My love for some people has had me hunting down Stitch dolls, digging through clearance racks for cute tops, sitting for hours next to a hospital bed, moving across the country, finding a way to cover up an ugly tissue box with another box over that box, and crying in bed.

Love isn't always happy or exciting, at least for me. Sometimes love is hard and depressing and stressful. I want the people that I love to thrive in life but I can't force them to do so.

My love is my own. There are a few people that I have loved for decades and then there are those that come into my life and only stay a few years. Both types are special and meaningful. Regret is not something I can associate with love.

Love is in the moment. Love is beautiful when other people can see it and feel your adoration for another being in the air.

Everyone has written about love and they were all right no matter what they said(assuming it referred to healthy relationships). Maybe next week I won't feel the same way about love as I do today. My mood is stable but feelings they do as they please.

The beauty of love is that it cannot be understood. 

Cranial Flatulence

I've been waiting for inspiration to hit me like a ton of bricks or dildos and nothing.

So books that I've read recently that I think others should check out:

Yes Means Yes! -Sex positive look at how we approach rape and human sexuality

The Edge of the Bed -Autobiography type of book about sexual coming of age into a sex positive world

Bitch! In Praise of Difficult Women -How society's bias of women impacts our ability to view women as equal agents

Clearly I am still in my non-fiction phase, maybe I'll grow out of it. Seems unlikely but I have read a few good fiction books in the last year they just haven't been enough to convert me. This is a new level of snobby, people tell me about books they like and suggest I read it but I reply, "oh, I don't read fiction." I might as well say, "oh, I don't drink tap water" or "whoa, I don't use paper napkins" or even "Don't bring that non-Apple smart phone filth near me!"

Anyway, I'm going to post another semi-brilliant entry as soon as it finds its way into my head space. Until then I'll be catching up my Days Of Our Lives(I'm an EJAMI).

Indentured Servitude at its finest

Part of 'Muerica's great history includes colonization and general slave labor conditions.  Most people, outside of the south, learn about slavery and treating people like an object and how wrong this is. Not often covered is the indentured servants from Europe before kidnapping Africans became a solution to the labor demand. Poor people with few skills and even less family would pay for passage to the New World by signing up for 7 years of hard labor when they reached land. Seems like a fair deal when the options in your home country are dim at best. The future in America sounded pretty nice and they couldn't see across the ocean at their future so people went for it.

Sweet, a fresh shipment of human capitol mine for the taking!

Sometimes the indentured servants would work their asses off for seven years and become a free person. More likely they would be physically abused, malnourished and fined for more years of service.   The rules could and did change at any time and the servant couldn't do a fucking thing about it. They were basically property, replaceable property at that. Life in the New World was not what they thought it would be like and the promise of a better future was simply a lie. Mail was strictly controlled so servants in the colonies couldn't write back to the few people they knew in Europe about the life they have found themselves in.

This is remarkably similar to the American college dream. We as a society tell young people to go to a good university, study hard, take out a few loans if needed because after you graduate life is going to be better. With a degree you can find a career, not just a job, that will use your skills and make you feel satisfied and important, you'll easily be able to pay off your loans with your high paying salaried position. College is worth the debt, we even tell ourselves that student loans are 'good debt'.

For $2,394 a semester you can call this home! Just take out a loan to cover this  necessary expense. 

Then students graduate with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and they realize finding a career that is fulfilling and rewarding and can cover basic needs in life is not possible. Graduates end up with loan repayments larger than a mortgage and a job that leaves them feeling drained and hopeless when they finally crawl into bed at night. Loans were not a good idea after all and there's no way out, graduates become trapped.

Don't make any sudden movements, like trying for a dream job, you need the security of a steady paycheck, bro.

Noam Chomsky, basically the most badass nerd I know of, explains this in even a darker way:

"Students who acquire large debts putting themselves through school are unlikely to think about changing society. When you trap people in a system of debt, they can’t afford the time to think. Tuition fee increases are a “disciplinary technique,” and by the time students graduate, they are not only loaded with debt, but have also internalized the “disciplinarian culture.” This makes them efficient components of the consumer economy."

Every year tuition at most US schools is rising, rising far beyond inflation. There's a problem though, education isn't just a luxury; an educated society is vital for society to function. Yet we have created indebted servants again. There's a better future here, I swear, just take out 20k in loans for a few years and then you'll see. Then we look around and see graduates struggling and suffocating and our young people continue to go to college and gain debt because we just believe so highly in our own person. "I'm not like everybody else, I'll be fine after graduation" is in the head's of so very many college students.

Different varieties of Ramen will keep you sane since Kraft is not within your budget as a college graduate. 

People aren't unique and precious, college students today believe they are but they'll find out soon enough. We need a better structure for our people. We need lower tuition costs, lower loan rates and employers that see the value in educated employees and pay them accordingly.

Sex and Faith

I had a rough and violent childhood. My life was hard and challenging and often overwhelming in high school. When I needed help and support I looked for a community that could provide that. As a teenager my best option was a church. I've always believed in a higher power, and that view is ever evolving, so church was a viable option even though I don't believe in the general church rules for living. I managed to make it work, I found a great church that let me have space to grow and encouraged me to have a good future. I was an active member and truly enjoyed being there. My views on sex, politics and women's issues were at times obstacles to being close to some people but I was able to maintain many great friendships. I never really dated in the church because I knew what I was looking for wouldn't be there.

The church I went to was kind of awesome,  easily way better than the church Raptor Jesus preaches at.

My body is my own. My sex life is my own. I am happy to encourage and support anyone with their personal sexual choices. I believe sex should be a positive and happy experience in life and it should be on your terms. Enjoying sex is one of the great parts of being human.

I've been having sex since I was almost 18 and for the most part I loved it. Being ashamed about my sex life just wasn't an option to me. I was uncomfortable discussing it with others at first but college quickly lifted that problem out of my way. Sometimes the sex wasn't great, sometimes I wasn't entirely sober, sometimes I wasn't completely honest but mostly I have very happy warm fuzzy memories about sex.

True love waits years to appear. Sex is available right now!

As I got older my goal within my sex life became clear, I want to be a partner that you think of and have fond memories of. I don't want to be a trigger for someone else or a regret. I think I've been doing well on that front.

I believe that Jesus was a great man that made a lasting impact on the world. I try to be as Christ like as I can be in my daily life. I work with at-risk youth, I make sure to give food to the homeless nearly everyday, I show those around me that they have value in just being themselves. I don't aim to be a saint or a pastor or famous even. I just want to be good to others. 

My job has done the most to dampen my belief in God. When I'm working with a 9 year old girl that generally likes me but at that moment is trying to bite into my arm with all her being and her sense of self is shattered from a life of sexual abuse I can't see where God fits into this world.

Who needs a ladder when you have Timmy at the keyboard, I'm sure he'll do the right thing soon. 

At best God is a kid, his plans were not the best thought out or functional and he's lost interest much like a 12 year old that is constantly typing 'rosebud' to give their preferred Sims family a great life with no interest in the other people he has created.

Hey you look like me!

So as a chick I've often been sad when games don't bother to have a female character to play. Today I started playing Alice Madness Returns and was describing it to a friend.

ME: I'm playing as Alice but she has a big ass knife for killing
MOSTLY ASIAN FRIEND: So she's basically me
ME: No, she's a honkie
MOSTLY ASIAN FRIEND: So half me
ME: yes.

I'm not being racist, just accurate. I don't think it's bad to have characters that are white or male, I just think there should be more variety. I want to be able to play as a girl which is often not easy. Luckily I'm white so most female characters when they exist look like me. And you know most people relate better to characters that look like them.

Personally I'm not nearly as pale as Alice but I'm sure I'm as crazy as she is. Although I tend to wash the blood out of my clothes.

Many video games have a range of genders, races and sexualities but those are as rare as a stripper with a Ph.D in Mathematics. The first two inclusive games that come to mind are Mass Effect and Borderlands. Much has been written around the interwebs about Mass Effect and its gender and sexual inclusivity so onto Borderlands 2.

I played Borderlands 2 with my boyfriend and his friend(basically his non-sexual life partner) and they played as the commando and the siren so I was left with either a husky short male or a non gender specific assassin. The choice was easy. Zero, the assassin has a male voice but for the most part is gender neutral. Zero is fun to play but when Gearbox released a second female character I switched teams. Both the female characters are white and one is too young to have a sexual identity but the siren is mainly appears to be heterosexual. The non player characters are generally white and also heterosexual. I should note that the gunzerker appears as latino or hispanic, basically not white.

Here's a picture of Gaige to break up this wall of text. 

Overall the game is heterocentric which is going to be common in video games/entertainment for many more years to come. On the bright side the game is not heteronormative, the female characters have as many responsibilities, skills and talents as their male counterparts. There are fewer females in the game than men but I think it's closer to 1/3 females than the typical 1/4 ratio. Also many of the females are very strong and well developed. I found Tiny Tina and Moxxi to be more developed in the personality realm than some of the comparable male NPCs. There is also a remarkable amount of discussion about sexual pasts and it generally does not come off as the typical slut/stud dynamic.

In Borderlands the female characters are most often in overly sexualized outfits but in all fairness the male characters are also on display and their physical traits are nowhere near realistic either. The entire game is very sexual, one of the characters skill trees is sexual tyrannosaurus, I've seen pornos that are less sexually charged.

Clearly Borderlands is not a polite conversation sort of game but the raunchiness does go both ways along with a fair variety of characters.

Anyway back to my main point, damn am I lucky that I'm not trying to find a character that is female and hispanic and a lesbian.

Reclaiming childhood

Hipsters are pretty much just reclaiming the best/awkward/cheap/sincere parts of childhood. Seriously, whose parents didn't have flannel shirts? Or pajamas for that matter. Every kid at a sleepover had footie jamas.

Damn we are stylish. 

I get it, it's not easy being 20-something so let's just go back 20 years. I need a shirt with 7 patterns on it. And I need to cut bangs into my hair. Then I can pretend life is simple again. My sister had the sweet glasses, I bet she could sell those now for easily twice what our medicaid paid for them.

Basically all childhood photos are what hipsters wish they could be now. All I know now is that I was a great hipster before modern hipsters even existed. I'm not all that into jazz like the previous hipsters were.

Photobomb by my cousin when I didn't even know my picture was being taken. 

Much like hipsters my cousin and I spent the majority of our time just chillin outside, not worrying about the world. When the above photo was taken I'm pretty sure the LA riots were happening. We gave zero fucks. 

Finally there's this:

I'm probably pooping. 

Floating in the backyard. Waiting for some giant to carry me to my next location of just chilling. Clearly life was easier then. 

The problem with being a hipster now is that they are missing out on the fashion of today and won't be able to look at old photos and laugh at their pants the same way their friends that had jobs during this period will. Having a job outside of customer service is the most effective cure for hipsterdom. 

OMFG THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

WHY DO WE KEEP LIVING IN PLACES WHERE THE FLOOR SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING BECOMES LAVA?

Seriously, I can't jump from the bed to the night stand to the box we never unpacked by the door to the coat rack and climb over the laundry hamper every morning just so I can take a shower.

Also, shouldn't there be some kind of regulations about buildings with lava prone floors? I mean of course I have lava boots with me at all times but what about deep lava? 

Waiting for the floor of lava to cool and harden into igneous rock so I can have breakfast is not as awesome as it sounds. I sit on the edge of the bed poking the floor with my toe to see if it is safe while thinking about how hungry I am and why don't I just keep the bagels next to the bed and heat them on the lava? 

Well, the hot magma is cooled and I should head to work. Hopefully the train to work isn't filled with dragons. 

24ct Golden Rule

This is going to sound judgmental but not in the condemning you sort of way. You are doing life wrong if your choices are constantly harming others. Yes, you should put your needs(emotional, physical or financial) first but you should also make sure you aren't seriously fucking over others while you do it.

You don't need to spread that rumor just so someone will listen to you for two minutes. You can hold the elevator door even if you are running late and don't want to stop at every floor on the way up. The person working in a shitty customer service position didn't say 'hello' or 'thank you' or they forgot the ketchup but you don't have to complain to the manager.

How about we all try a little harder to be nice to others? Have the waiter box your leftovers and give them to a homeless person. Open a door for anyone, especially people in wheelchairs or with a stroller or with a neckbeard. Pick up after your damn self at a restaurant, stack your plates neatly or clear your table if it's that kind of place.

Basically, don't be a fucking douche nozzle. Life doesn't have to suck, we make it that way.

Ch-ch-ch changes

Life happens; it has a way of doing that, getting in the way of what we want to focus on. I've been working more, exploring my options at both my employers. I'm still very lost on my path for a future.

I moved at the beginning of the year and will likely never be fully unpacked. The apartment looks better than this but not by much. I feel very off living in such a crowded space. My stuff needs to be in its place for me to feel at home. I think this is starting to cause tension in my life, I feel stressed but I don't know how to get it all done. Many of things that need to find a place to live in the apartment are not mine. I struggle with how to move around someone else's things.

Of course I also have serious issues with how to bring this up without sounding like a bitch. So, I'm just trying to wait it out. Waiting it out doesn't work too well in this situation.

New hair(not really, same hairs with new color)

The hairs on my head are shorter and lighter now. I'm enjoying it, although I don't think my level of fun has increased significantly. 

Perhaps I'll make another post within in the next 90 days.