Diamonds are forever and expensive and non transferrable

There are just so many problems with diamonds. Perhaps I should list them? Should I list what I view as most important first and so on or from production to purchase to death? Or should I list them reverse alphabetically? So I was really going to write about diamonds but now I'm wondering why there are so many ways, relevant and not, to listing ideas or whatnot. Hmmm. How about whatever order they come to mind in.

A bunch of reasons that Diamonds suck:

• Diamonds cost roughly 2 months salary

• They also cost the lives of innocent miners trying to feed their family

• Diamonds are a pain in the rectum to shop for

• They serve literally no purpose

• Diamonds are like dicks for women, bigger is better but shape still matters

• One cannot easily sell a diamond or regift it

• They are easy to misplace and therefore cause minor heart attacks without need

• Diamonds get caught on random things or scratch people

• They create the impression that women are like small children; look shiny!

Of course marriage and often love requires the gifting of diamonds. The dark under belly of all of this is that women end up with a small box of jewelry that they cannot wear anymore because it was a gift from a past lover; they cannot sell it because parting with a necklace that symbolizes your life with someone for 3 years for $75 just doesn't seem right. 

After three years of hiding a promise ring at a friend's house and keeping it tucked away in a box inside a box in my bedroom I finally found a person that I could reasonably give the ring to. After I gave this ring away for good it seemed like a burden was lifted from my shoulders and I could finally put so many things in the past where they belong. Other pieces of jewelry have not come to such an end yet and I have no idea how or when that may even happen. 

All of the above still being true, I want more shiny jewelry. Now.

Free Advice

If you happen to be a young white male that enjoys yelling advice out your car window while driving down the road I have some tips for you.

1) Be concise. You are driving and yelling, your words need to deliver your message before the young lady you are harassing advising is out of earshot.

2) Be aware of your surroundings. I don't just mean be aware of the other cars and stop signs, you need to pick your target when she is not mashed between a bunch of tourists and businessmen trying to catch their train. In that kind of situation you are just yelling not performing a drive by grope.

3) Be very aware of your surroundings. If you shout about your dick to a young lady and then are sitting at a stop light she might feel inclined to key your car and continue on her way.

4) Think twice. Perhaps you would be better off keeping your ignorant face hole shut.


Personally when I'm walking down the street I have things on my mind that have very little to do with what a random dude in a civic thinks of me but maybe I'm the strange one. I'll admit it is entirely possible that some people enjoy being told to perform oral sex acts by strangers but I do believe that is more of the minority of the population. I mean minority in the sense that less than bulk of people living would prefer that kind of treatment not minority meaning black or female or educated.

Seriously how difficult is it to drive along without yelling at pedestrians? Oh nevermind, I get it now. People are like bubble wrap and your sexual shouts are just popping the plastic. I'll leave you be. Look Spongebob is on!

Brillant tattoo ideas that would be Cosmo approved

In a recent issue of Cosmo they did a wonderful flowchart of whether or not you should get a tattoo. One of the cases they listed that you should in fact get a tattoo would be when you desire to permanently scar yourself with a meaningful song lyric. 

So I've come up with a list of great song lyrics that I think would make amazing tattoos!

On your wrist:

"I wanna hold your hand"
"You bleed just to know you're alive"
"And I feel fine"
"I got a feeling"

On your lower back(tramp stamps):

"I don't think you're ready for this jelly"
"I said what, what"
"Do you feel like a man?"
"I hope you had the time of your life"
"Rude boy, can you get it up?"
"What you gonna do with all that junk?"
"Dumps like a truck"
"Please tell mom this is not her fault"
"Heaven aint close in a place like this"
"I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"

On your ankle:

"walk this way"
"help I'm alive"

On the back of your neck:

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"
"I'll be watching you"

Anywhere:

"Bury me in memory"
"This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"
"So what, I'm still a rock star"
"Never gonna give you up"

To be fair, I find everything better when tattoo'd above someone's ass.